


House of Crazies

by NitPickz



Category: Hazbin Hotel (Web Series), Helluva Boss (Web Series)
Genre: Comedy, F/M, Gen, M/M, Nightclub, Singing, Violence, craziness, lotta crazy, sexual stuff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-18
Updated: 2021-02-24
Packaged: 2021-03-13 21:26:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,291
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29532657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NitPickz/pseuds/NitPickz
Summary: Some call it the Loony Bin, others call it the Crazy Pit. But THEY prefer the Mad House.That's right! Come down to the Mad House nightclub! Right in Pentagram City (or at least on the edge of it)! Wanna party until your mind blows?! Then step right up and explore the insanity!*Warning: Content includes cursing, sexual themes, drug use/reference and blood and violence. Do not read if you are under the age 13**Also, anyone who pops up from Hazbin Hotel or Helluva Boss belongs to Vivziepop. The main characters of this story belong to me*
Relationships: Bob/Kerwin, Looney/Wendice, Novis/Oxtie





	1. The Average Day

"Not many folks like to party till their minds go bam, don't they?" asked the owner of the Mad House nightclub, Looney. The Mad House has been around for at least 6 months and it's gotten average to minimal patronage. Namely because of its "shady" reputation.

"You can never know what they think. You ask me, maybe cut out the sanity drop section. Feels like a torture dungeon in there" suggested the club's accountant Kerwin. This kind of talk is natural for them these days. Back when they were starting out, Looney was wild, over the top and basically borderline insane. Kerwin being the nervous wreck of the group, but has fitted in as time's went on.

"Are you kidding me?! How are we supposed to give demons in an already crazy world the real touch of insanity?" Looney snapped, offended at the question. Even at his calmest, Looney is still as eccentric as they come. "Besides, ain't we having a nice side show with this collector's store we installed last week?". "More or less. As long as we make back the money, as everyone would say" replied Kerwin as he was gathering papers, no doubt more work from his boss, the Necro Demon overlord, Zyrus.

"Whatever. And when you're in the john, don't clog it up. I've already got enough shit around here. Especially from those coke heads who keep trying to sneak their junk in here" Looney called after him as he went for said spot. Kerwin turned around and asked "Hey, you know Ackerman?"

Looney gave a grimace. "That dumb fuck from Val's shit heap? I dunno why you hang with that piece of inbred trash". Kerwin smirked, as if getting to the punchline of a joke, before replying "Well, he makes good on his dues. Although he is a moron. Tried to take of of Val's 'pieces' for himself. Got one of those shitty figurines stuck up his asshole"

Looney burst out cackling. This was the Looney everyone knew. Always upratic, always laughing, just being crazy. "God damn!" he wheezed out "How stupid can folks be? Huh?!". Kerwin simply shrugged as he entered the restroom. Looney was back in high spirits as he entended an arm to one of those yank a string gizmos, yanking said string, letting off an exaggerated imitation of the chattering it made, much to his amusement.

The door to the store opened and two small demons walked inside. From the looks of it, they seemed to be imps. A male and a female. Looney could swear he'd seen these particular two before on an ad. He put the thought out of mind when the two walked up to his counter. "Come on, come all!" he exclaimed, always one for getting in character for the sake of it "Feast your eyes on these dear keepsakes and spend your money! You certainly won't regret it!".

The imps were a little taken aback, but quickly recovered. The male asked "Do you, by any chance, have one of those sour coffee beans?" with a hint of deviousness in his eyes. Looney simply responded "We sure do! But what does a lovely couple like you two want with a prank item?". He figured they were a couple from the way they just kept close together. The female answered "Well... let's just say darlin' here's been a little under pressure and he wants a little 'even' business with our boss". She seemed as if she was trying to make both guys back out.

Looney didn't get the message, simply saying "Ha! The old classic. Can't blame you much. Bosses are shitheads". The male imp was taken aback and said "Well.... I wouldn't call him a shithead, per se. But he is a pain in the ass, that's all I can say". His partner simply cooed "C'mon hun. It's just a little harmless fun". Said hun gives an exasperated sigh. Looney is nonplussed.

"Well, can't hurt to have at least one bit of harmless payback if you ask me" he said, chuckling a little bit before he continues "But do tell me what a couple like you is doing around these parts". The male replies "Just a little bit of a work getaway. And we were curious about this place. Saw the ad and everything". Now Looney's interest was peaked. Somebody actually saw their ad?

The female chips in. "Yeah. Lotta energy for someone of your type". Lonney's grin falls, as if offended by the statement. "Oh, so you think we eccentrics are all funny-like, do ya?" he says, hostility in his voice. "No, no! I didn't mean that. I meant-" she attempts to explain before she's interrupted by another remark. "You think I'm some sorta clown dropped dead in the street?". The male chimes in "What she meant was-".

"Well, I gotta get me an education! Huh huh! You asshole!" Looney practically hisses at the imps, a scowl plastered on his face. The two imps brace for a blow as he raises a hand, his index pointing at them. And then...

"Aaaaaand... got ya!" He squeaks, his grin back on his face. The imps feel relief immediately and start to laugh with the lunatic.

That is cut short when the door bursts open and two demons in masks come in holding guns at said lunatic, who responds with "What the fuck?! You miserable piece of shit! You get the fuck outta here!". The smaller of the two robbers simply growls "Not until we get your cash, psycho boy. Now put your fuckin' hands up!", pointing his gun at Looney, who responds with middle fingers. The taller and bulkier chimes in "Yeah! Don't move or I'll blow a hole the size of- er- Kansas in your ugly... bozo face!".

Looney is almost dumbfounded by the pathetic attempt at threatening. "What the fuck is that supposed to mean?". The smaller robber yells at his partner "Just shut up and go grab that other asshole in the back". Said partner responds with a measly "Ok", before awkwardly walking to the restroom. Looney glares at the robber, hostility in his eyes.

"You miserable motherfucker. I outta jump over his counter and bash your fuckin' balls in!" he snarls. The robber aims his gun at him and snarls at the imps watching. "Alright, shitstick, you empty out the register and I might leave your brain in your skull". Looney is not impressed in the slightest. "How about you go home and take your whore some meat so I don't have to stuff a machete in your ass!?" he growls.

The robber growls back "I don't like meat and I HATE nutcases like you". Looney's seems to be boiling with rage right now. The imps are stuck in place, no idea what to do. The door to the restroom opens, Kerwin stepping out with the other robber, who is holding Kerwin's papers. His partner barks at him "Put the fuckin' papers down!" and shoots a round into the ceiling, sending dust on top of him. He is really pissed at this point. "THAT'S IT! YOU BETTER FORK OVER THE CASH OR I'M GONNA SPLATTER YOUR FUCKED UP BRAINS ALL OVER THE WALL! YOU GOT 10 FUCKIN' SECONDS!" he roars.

The countdown begins. "1!". Looney responds with "Fuck your momma!". The robber goes again. "2!". "Fuck your sister!". The robber's partner looks uncertain, as he squeaks "What are we gonna do?". Kerwin then speaks up "Hey, I know you. You work over at the hardware store". The robber stammers "Sh-shut up!". His partner promptly yells "Shut up! 3!". "Fuck your grandma!"

"Yeah, I know you. Richie Wickham. Boys over there call you Little Dick Wick". "Shut the hell up!". Kerwin does not, a smirk on his face as he sing songs "Little Dick Wick, play with his prick. Don't the smell just make ya sick?". The robber rips off his mask and cries "Stop singing! I hate that song!"

His partner shouts "Put your fuckin' mask back on!". And his partner drops it by mistake. Looney bursts into laughter at this incompetence, prompting the robber to again aim his gun at him with "Fuck it!".

Before he can get a shot off, the door bursts open and in runs a small guy in a jacket and fedora carrying an axe. The robber turns around, but doesn't react in time to avoid an axe swing, which strikes him to the ground. Looney then fishes out a revolver and, with an maniacal grin on his face, shoots the other robber in the head. The axe wielder turns out to be Looney's main goon and accomplice, Bob, as indicated by his red eyes and dirty blonde hair.

Looney jumps over the counter and steps on the first robber, still alive, but coughing up blood. Looney aims his gun at the demon's face and spits out "But most of all, FUCK YOU!" before unloading the rest of his ammo into his face, spraying blood everywhere.

"Goddamn motherfucker got blood all over my best coat..."


	2. Ransom Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Blitzø needs to bring Octavia back from some kidnappers who demand a ransom from Stolas. Since, he can't bring one of his employees with him, Bob is the best possible guy to bring.  
> But Bob has quite the plan on his mind about this...

"What the hell is this?" asked Blitzø, looking into the ringer bag that was thrown into his lap by Bob. "Dirty undies. Laundry. The whites" Bob said, calmly as ever.

Last week, Stolas had informed Blitzø that someone had snatched his daughter and were demanding a ransom. He quickly got Blitzø to do the job as the kidnappers demanded only 1 person to deliver the ransom, for pretty obvious reasons. Although, Blitzø figured it couldn't hurt to at least grab some backup in case of an ambush. His employees were a no-go since the kidnappers would most likely recognise them and the deal would be fucked.

So, he called up Looney and asked for Bob. The psycho quickly agreed, although Blitzø could sense something was up with him thanks to his tone of voice: Mischievous with a bit of double cross. No doubt he would try to pull off something with the ransom, but Bob was a dependable guy and has had ransom experience from his mob days.

"Ok, I'm pretty sure your wacko boss has a reason for you to bring dick stained undies" Blitzø narrowed his eyes at Bob, who was intently looking forward as he continued to drive. Bob answered "That's right. The weight. The ringer can't be empty. Besides, I've been on ransoms before and I smell bullshit". Blitzø wasn't having this right now. "Jesus Christ... Are you fucking kidding me? What is he thinking?!"

"Simple, these kidnappers simply demand 10 million, but don't bother with any other detail. No names and no organisation. Back in my mob days, they'd at least give a location to do the handoff, but we've got jack shit. Just waiting for them to call" Bob explains "Which means they're either faking this kidnapping for some easy money OR they're a bunch of fuckin' amateurs. And I'm betting every bit of that 10 million the latter's the case"

Blitzø could only stare wide eyed. "Are you serious? You're doing whatever stunt your boss set you to do because of a hunch?" he exclaimed. Just then, the portable phone given to them starts to ring. Blitzø quickly answered "Blitzø here". "Good" the caller replied. Blitzø then said without thinking "Where do you want us to go?". He quickly realized what he said and growled "Goddammit!" under his breath. "What do you mean 'us'?" the caller questioned. "Blitzø, are you fuckin' this up?" Bob calls at him. "Who is that?!" the caller yells. Blitzø groans in frustration "That is the driver. I'm not driving, handling the money AND calling at the same time-"

"Shut the fuck up. Now, you proceed, no bullshit and no funny stuff" the caller interrupts. Blitzø simply replies "Alright, alright! Just tell us where you want us to go!" he exclaims into the phone.

*A few details later*

"Ok, there's the sign" Blitzø points out. Bob merely nods in response before speaking "So, we just gotta get her back, no one's in a position to complain and everything should be dandy". Blitzø looks at Bob with a questioning look. "That's terrific, Bob. But you haven't told me HOW we're gonna get her back". Bob smirks a little. "That's the simple part. We make the handoff, I grab one of 'em and beat the shit outta him 'til we get what we want". "Oh yeah. That's real simple. Just fuckin' incredible" Blitzø sarcastically remarks. Bob doesn't seem to note the sarcasm. "That's right, Blitzø. The beauty of this is the simplicity. Once the plan gets too complex, everything can go wrong. That's one thing I learned in the mob"

Just as he finished, the phone rang. Blitzø answered "Blitzø". "You're coming towards a bridge. When you get halfway, throw the bag over the bridge. And no fucking around, you're being watched" the caller simply said before hanging up. "Shit..." Blitzø growled under his breath. Bob heard it though. "What'd they say? Where's the handoff?". "There's no handoff. They said when we cross the bridge, we throw the money out the car"

Bob seemed taken aback by this. "Can't do that. That fucks with our plan". Blitzø snapped back "Well, tell them that. I'm sure they'll understand. It's that simple anyway. That's the beauty of it". Bob's face reared back into concentration. "Bridge, huh?". Blitzø quickly caught on. "We're throwing the money, Bob. We're not fucking around here"

"Alright, we're getting close. Gimme the ringer" said Bob. "No fucking way! Bob, you're a standup guy, but you gotta accept that your boss is a goddamn moron" Blitzø exclaimed. Bob ignored him and promptly reached for the ringer bag. "Hey! Agh- Bob! What the-?!" "No time to argue. Bridge is coming up"

"Bob, don't you fuckin't dare!" Blitzø yelled as Bob snatched the ringer. Too late.

"There goes the ringer!" Bob called out, tossing the bag out of the car and over the bridge. "What the fuck?!" Blitzø cursed. Bob then placed a hand on the car door. "Blitzo, your wheel" he calmly said.

"WHAT?!" "Once we get over the bridge, I roll out, grab one of 'em and beat it out of him. If they try a getaway, I'll just use the Uzi" "UZI?!"

Blitzø quickly noticed the small parcel looking thing Bob had with him when he got in the car. Now he knew what was in it. "You didn't think I was gonna roll out naked, did ya?" Bob chuckled before opening the door and promptly grabbing the Uzi and diving out of the car. Blitzø quickly grabbed the wheel.

Bob rolled on the ground, still clutching the Uzi. Once he stopped, he saw 3 demons on motorcycles. There also seemed to be a 4th person on one of them. Bob quickly tore off the wrapping and shot down 2 of the motorcycle demons. The 3rd sped past him, but Bob had plenty of gun experience. Aiming carefully, he landed a shot on the back wheel, causing the bike to veer off and crash. Blitzø stopped the car and, spotting the bikes, rushed over.

He quickly spotted who they were after. Octavia was uninjured, but a little shaken. Blitzø did what he could to comfort her while he called Stolas. Bob strolled over to the demon that was still alive, who was trying to crawl away. Without missing a beat, Bob picked the guy up and knocked him out with a headbutt. Bob called over to Blitzø "Tell Stolas he'll be getting more than just his daughter back!" as he picked the guy up over his shoulder.

"He's gonna wanna get even with this poor bastard"


	3. Madman Times

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Looney has Charlie over at his nightclub to discuss a little business. Although, when she doesn't seem to understand what he's after, he takes things onto the stage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is gonna be my first attempt at a song...  
> So please, be nice about this.
> 
> Also, I got a bit lazy here since I wanted to focus more on the song, so I didn't bother with much other than said song and dialogue.

"Well, SOOOORRRRY, princess, but I stand by my point. I mean, redemption?! HA! That's crazy! Haha... So crazy it might just work..."

"What was that?"

"Oh, nothing. But still, I might peak a little into this 'project', whatever it is, only, and ONLY, if you have a little interest in mine. A little partnership business. You bring out the good, and I'll bring out the mad"

"Ok, but-"

"Well, you're just not getting it. Ok, plan B. Oh Wendice!"

"Yes, Looney?"

"Turn on the dance floor, we got a show to do for Miss 'I don't get it' princess over here!"

"On it, love"

"Ahh, I love it when she calls me that..."

"But, I'm just-"

"Ahahah, no interrupting. Besides, I bet you can't resist a little song and dance show... PLAY ME OUT, BOB!"

*Cue the song. Pianos, drums, guitars & synths galore*

If you thought I was mad before, then you are in for quite a show! Behold this club galore! I did a lot for this, you know!

What's the matter? You can't take a little hint? Boy, that's a bummer. No wonder you failed your stint! But I think we can work something out.

After all, you should know what I'm talking about! The good old days! Madness, chaos, a lotta crazy! Or as I like to call them...

Mad Times!

*Mad Times!*

Ye old Mad Times!

*Mad Times!*

Oh, I remember those Mad Times!

*Mad Times!*

Once you've had one, you won't know where to find your mind!

Ahahahahahahaha!

*Cue trumpets and strings*

I once was a man. But not a good one! Oh no! Born with the mind of a thing gone wrong! But hey! That ain't my fault! Besides, that paved my way to all the mad fun stuff! Just pay attention and you'll see the fun vault!

Met a nice girl, but then I lost her! Had a good buddy, 'til he was a deady! Quite a life I've lived! But what's your story? Whew, I'll tell ya it's a doozy!

What?! I can't do rhymes? Well, too bad! Cause I'm stepping over the line!

Plus, you offer counter-cyanide, but try comparing that to SUICIDE! That's right! That little car stunt in '99? That's yours truly! Jumped off a building, ready to die!

And so, that's how I wound up here!

*Chorus*

Mad Times!

*Mad Times!*

Everything around ya just dies!

*Mad Times!*

Flashing lights are in my eyes!

*Mad Times!*

And it is all just a bundle of MAD TIMES!

Hahahaaaaaa!

*Cue the piano*

Who would've thought I'd be doing this? I mean, I sure as Hell didn't!

Was it a whim or was it a destiny? I don't know cause my mind's in a tizzy!

But you! What've you got? King Luci as your daddy?! And a fancy hotel?! And redemption for baddies?! HA! I gotta tell ya, that's such a laugh!

I mean, look at me! I got this club here! And I let the folks go crazy! Sorry to be honest, but hey! My mind's all hazy. And money!? You do the math!

And that's just a sample of dealing with a madman, baby! So, please, let me show you some more to come, milady!

*Chorus*

Oh, the Mad Times!

*Mad Times!*

I so dearly miss those!

*Mad Times!*

Does that make me a kook?!

*Mad Times!*

Higher than a bundle of hoes!

*Mad Times*

There's a time I can look!

*Mad Times*

Back into the good old Mad Times!

*Mad Times!*

Now you tell me! What am I to you?!

Here's what! Crazy, Insane, Bonkers, Nuts, totally out of my mind!

But I ain't ashamed! I'm a proud madman! And you can blame on the Maaaaaaad Tiiiiiiiimmmmes!

YES!

*Cut the music and lights*

"Whew, I always enjoy putting on a show! So, did you learn anything, princess?"

........

"Hello? Anyone in there?"

........

"Oh well... Fuck me, look at the time! We'll have to pick this up tomorrow! Hope you enjoyed the show and you better feel better when you come back!"

........

"Oh, and don't bump your head on the door frame on your way out-"

*THUNK*

"Nevermind"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed and I severely hope this song wasn't too cringeworthy...

**Author's Note:**

> Side note: If you want to know what the characters look like, just check out these pages.  
> https://www.deviantart.com/artsythecrazy/gallery/74765089/fan-characters  
> https://www.deviantart.com/artsythecrazy/art/The-Crazies-coloured-855712248  
> Not my best work, but I still like it.


End file.
